Well, just like I always do, I caved and went back up to 218. But, lucky for me, I started, AGAIN and now am at 212.
My food this week that I can remember:
Friday: about 4 inches of a turkey sub with only turkey and tomatos on wheat : less than 280 cals
Thursday: *pigged out* deli turkey from Subway, pasta alfredo with EXTRA alfredo sauce!! :(, 2 pieces of cheese toast, a slice of snickers cheesecake, and a couple spoons of cookie dough blizzard. No, I couldn't bring myself to throw up. : 2000 cals?
Wednesday: chicken noodle soup *only ate the chicken and carrots, maybe a couple noodles*, about 3-4 slices of an apple : 200 cals
Tuesday: ravioli, no sauce, very fattening breakfast burrito that I threw up ALL of. I threw up until I was throwing up air and diet soda. : 500 cals
Monday: turkey deli : 210 cals
Can't remember beyond that. This is all going reverse order by the way.
But I know I haven't eaten much at all. That one day I caved, but I swear I'll try my best to control it next time.
I just want to lose all this weight. I hate remembering my husband say to me that he doesn't find me attractive anymore. And it's because I've gained so much weight being with him. It's so hard to make the right choices. My weight is completely out of control. And I just want to be in control of that again, like I used to when people thought I was hot. I want to be 130 pounds. It's rather skinny for my body type but it's what I want. I want to lay in bed and see my hip bones protruding upwards instead of just seeing a fat belly. I always feel shitty when my gynocologist puts me on the scale and it reads over 200. It makes me feel so fat. Soooooo fat. Some days I want to take a razor to my stomach and cut the whole damned thing off. I want to be like I used to be, back when I was hardcore anorexic. Hardcore to where I was hot, and people said so. I don't know why I still didn't like myself then. And I can't believe I ever caved when it comes to food. I just need to keep with me pictures of when I was skinny so I can remember how much I loved it. How much I needed to be like that to have any self esteem whatsoever. When I sit and look down, I don't want to see my belly protruding from under my boobs. It's bad when it's larger than your bust. :(