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Sep. 7th, 2006

braids

Food Diary

I've decided to turn this into a food diary as well as a journal.

The past couple weeks I've kept my calorie intake at less than 500 calories. I'm so proud. I've lost 14 pounds and just hit a plateau. But I finally had my first bowel movement in a week so I probably lost a pound or two. We'll see. I can only hope.

I've got my meals planned out to the calorie and I'm generally not even hungry during the day anymore.

yesterday I had:
shrimp scampi tv dinner = 220 calories
string cheese = 60 calories
ritz mini's = 100 calories
tuna = 100 calories
jello = 10 calories
= 490 calories

today my plan is:
fettuchini alfredo tv dinner = 300 calories
string cheese = 60 calories
ritz mini's = 100 calories
jello = 10 calories
= 470 calories

OMG I just want to be skinny. I looked in the mirror today. The part of my belly that used to hang over my vagina *i know, totally nasty!!!* is no longer hanging. It's still a really big pouch but it's going down. I can't believe nobody's noticed that I only eat once a day. It's totally awesome. School starts in a week and a half. Sigh. That should make this a little easier. I hope.

Sep. 5th, 2006

braids

Still dieting...

I still am severely restricting calories. I'm at 400-500 at max a day. TV dinners are good for that.

I was planning on eating about 450 cals worth of tv dinners tonight, but when I looked at the labels it came to 470 and I started freaking out for some reason. And I couldn't take it. So I threw half of one of the dinners away. Then I ate most of the rest, but I ate it so fast because I was soooo hungry and afterwards I felt like the fattest person ever so I ended up throwing most of it up because it scared me. I've lost 14 pounds since I started dieting and I have 73 to go so I can't stop. And I can't go overboard with calories. I have to be careful.

God, I'm so hungry right now but I can't bring myself to eat anything else. I'm already disappointed in myself.

Sep. 3rd, 2006

braids

School

OMG school starts in 2 weeks. I'm sooooo nervous. I didn't have a lot of friends, if any, my last two years of high school, and I'm totally nervous! Like... what if nobody likes me? And then I have to be with these people all quarter. *sigh* It's a nightmare. And what if because of all the stress I start eating again!? Like... binging? I mean, I know I have a plan. But if I don't follow it I'm totally going to hate myself!
My fake "plan" that I told my husband was that I'll be eating tv dinners before I go to work, and then when I'm at work because I get free food there I would eat before I leave. So that's 2 meals a day. Little does he know I only plan to eat the tv dinner. And I'm going to get a bunch of those dollar ones. Preferably the lean but you know what? When it's only a few hundred calories and that's all I'm eating, I really just don't care.
The last time I went on a tv dinner diet, I lost 15 pounds in 2 weeks. I was so thin then too and I don't know how I possibly gained 92 pounds since then!$!?$!@%!@%%$!#%!% That's like a whole person!
Oh well. I've lost 12 of that, and I am definately working on the other 75. And if possible, I'd like to get lower than that. I've never been skinny. I just looked it when I sucked in. I want to BE skinny. And stay skinny. I want to feel good about myself again, you know? And not be tormented with the idea that I'm double the weight I should be. I'm such a fat ass.

Sep. 1st, 2006

braids

Still have a fat ass

Well, just like I always do, I caved and went back up to 218. But, lucky for me, I started, AGAIN and now am at 212.
My food this week that I can remember:

Friday: about 4 inches of a turkey sub with only turkey and tomatos on wheat : less than 280 cals
Thursday: *pigged out* deli turkey from Subway, pasta alfredo with EXTRA alfredo sauce!! :(, 2 pieces of cheese toast, a slice of snickers cheesecake, and a couple spoons of cookie dough blizzard. No, I couldn't bring myself to throw up. : 2000 cals?
Wednesday: chicken noodle soup *only ate the chicken and carrots, maybe a couple noodles*, about 3-4 slices of an apple : 200 cals
Tuesday: ravioli, no sauce, very fattening breakfast burrito that I threw up ALL of. I threw up until I was throwing up air and diet soda. : 500 cals
Monday: turkey deli : 210 cals

Can't remember beyond that. This is all going reverse order by the way.
But I know I haven't eaten much at all. That one day I caved, but I swear I'll try my best to control it next time.

I just want to lose all this weight. I hate remembering my husband say to me that he doesn't find me attractive anymore. And it's because I've gained so much weight being with him. It's so hard to make the right choices. My weight is completely out of control. And I just want to be in control of that again, like I used to when people thought I was hot. I want to be 130 pounds. It's rather skinny for my body type but it's what I want. I want to lay in bed and see my hip bones protruding upwards instead of just seeing a fat belly. I always feel shitty when my gynocologist puts me on the scale and it reads over 200. It makes me feel so fat. Soooooo fat. Some days I want to take a razor to my stomach and cut the whole damned thing off. I want to be like I used to be, back when I was hardcore anorexic. Hardcore to where I was hot, and people said so. I don't know why I still didn't like myself then. And I can't believe I ever caved when it comes to food. I just need to keep with me pictures of when I was skinny so I can remember how much I loved it. How much I needed to be like that to have any self esteem whatsoever. When I sit and look down, I don't want to see my belly protruding from under my boobs. It's bad when it's larger than your bust. :(

Aug. 30th, 2006

braids

Getting back in the swing of it

I stopped the whole diet for a while, thinking it would make me happier but it didn't.

In fact I felt worse because not only was I still fat, but everybody around me still didn't care or pay attention to me.
I still feel underappreciated. Unnoticed. Not cared about. And it's bad when you feel like that from your own husband, you know?

Well anyway, I started again. I guess we'll see how it goes. We'll see how much control I can keep over this situation. I've been doing okay so far. I've only
slipped twice, once where I ate a breakfast burrito but then threw it up and another time had a bite of a griddle, but it was very tiny. I dunno.

I'm so hungry right now. But I've also gone down from 222 to 214. I would be SO happy go get under 200 and even happier to get to 150. But I'd be happiest at 135 so we'll see how this goes.

Aug. 1st, 2006

braids

Now most of the move is complete

An old friend of ours moved in today. We have such a small space to begin with that this is just cramped now. Oh well. I guess he'll be gone most of the time and so will I.

The new roommate asked a personal question today. Has my guy gotten better or worse in bed since we've started dating. The answer is worse, though I wish it wasn't. I'm so turned off from sex now because we both just suck at it now. We used to be better, when we were both skinnier, but now there's no point in doing it anymore cuz we both just suck big time.

I went into our roommate's room today. He basically lives in the attic, in a very small room. But there was a lot of comfort being in there. It was nice. It felt like if it were my room like I was still living at my parent's house. It feels more carefree in my opinion. I dunno. I kind of wish I had my own room. Or my own anything. My guy is very possesive and everything is his.

I'm tired.

Jul. 31st, 2006

braids

Remember the past

I feel like cowering in a corner away from all influences. No matter what I do I do NOT lose weight! I swear to god my body hates me...
And I would give my life to be how I used to before I started dating, before I realized I could be loved and then I gave up on myself. I gave up caring about how I was. I can honestly say I was my happiest back in the day before I started dating. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I started dating, it's just that when people started caring about me and liking me for who I was, I kind of let myself go a bit too much and lost control. Now I am depressed because I let myself go. I'd give anything... I swear. I miss my old self and I was happiest at that point in my life. I wish I could have it all over again.

Jun. 3rd, 2006

braids

Lonely

My life always feels like a tv show, always so dramatic, but only for me. It feels to me that ever since my man's bday he's a changed guy. Always wanting to have booze around just because he can, and now wanting to go to bars to dance... but he knows I can't go so he'd be dancing with other girls, and he's even been looking at our female friends differently. One in particular. He likes her body a lot. I know this. And he's been wanting to hang out with her more lately. And it worries me and makes me feel so self conscious. I've been trying to eat healthier to lose weight. Been taking my vitamins. Been doing everything I can. Even the house is mostely clean. I've been brushing my teeth regularly and showering. Trying to seem more like I care. And he hasn't noticed or cared. I'm just waiting for the day when he starts talking to her a lot and starts forgeting about me. *depressed* He did the same thing with Ali for a while. And now I feel terrible. It's like... he wants me to look hot like our friend, but he doesn't want to make an effort. He'd rather stay fat and lazy and not work while I have to work my but off to lose weight and have to go to work full time and go to school. Fuck. I can't really tell what's worth what.

May. 20th, 2006

braids

Constant Pains

I feel like crap right now. Physically, not just mentally. Although it makes me sad to see that even though I hardly eat anything anymore I still have not lost weight. You'd think a full week would have at least some affect right? Whatever. I'm not changing my diet. Usually consistancy does pay off. Even if it takes forever. My metabolism has been fucked up for so long that no matter how healthy or unhealthy I eat, I don't lose weight. I suppose consistancy would pay off there too, but it's much more satisfying for me to just not eat rather than allow myself to eat and not be able to eat what I want. I have less cravings now than I did when I tried to eat healthy. I make every excuse not to eat much at dinner. We'll see how tonight goes. No ice cream tonight. I got myself a bag of sugar free popcicles. Only 15 calories a piece. 1 or 2 a day is okay to keep my mind off food, but eating those means I also have to reduce what I eat for dinner.
I think I explained that I have to eat dinner. I don't want to give him any reason to believe I am not eating. He knows my history of anorexia and knows I have frequent relapses. But those relapses always stop when I know he knows or when I can't hold the secret anymore. I can't let that secret go this time. This time I want to be serious. I want to lose all this weight I've gained since we started dating. He hasn't noticed my breath just yet. I've been trying to hide it in kissing him. Eventually I'll start chewing gum or heaven forbid brush my teeth.
I am so depressed about my body. It's killing me inside. When I think about how I used to be, back when I was in a normal weight range and suddenly my weight almost doubled. I can't blame it all on him though, even though most of the time that's what I do. I didn't want him to worry about me, so I ate. And ate. And ate. Then eventually I was like him, eating almost everything in sight. Always wanting equal to what he'd have, sometimes more. I have never in my life been able to control what or how much I eat. Never. And sometimes it feels like I'll never be able to. I'll never have regular eating patterns. Either I'll be happy with my body when I get skinny and feel it's okay to start eating again and I'll get really fat, or I'll balloon up and hate myself and stop eating again. And right now, I feel like dying. Now I will go and stare at my mirror, which will clearly make me more depressed but maybe I'll get lucky and I'll see weight loss.

May. 18th, 2006

braids

So hungry

Haven't eaten much in three days. Started Monday. Since then I've had half a container of bean dip and chips, pasta alfredo, a 16oz Blizzard, and 2 scoops of ice cream. Sounds like a lot but it's WAY less than what I'd been eating prior to that. I've had so much water lately I feel like I'm going to puke. I only eat if somebody else says to.

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