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March 2009

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Hate is a strong word so I usually try to use it with caution, but I have realized there are a few things I genuinely HATE.

1. I HATE being used.

When I first woke up today, I wandered into the computer room hoping for a 'good morning' or a kiss. Instead it was more of a quick 'hello, can I borrow the phone?' which was followed by 'I need to go pick up Resident Evil 5. Want to come?' And of course he knows I don't actually have any rhyme or reason to go other than to drive him because it's raining and cold and his bike doesn't particularly fare well in that weather. The other thing he knows is that I will always say yes to a request of that sort because for one I understand what a pain it is driving in that weather on a moped, and for two I love him and tend to do just about anything he asks. I just wish it wasn't so blatantly obvious today that my sole purpose for being awake was seemingly to do him a favor after which he ignored me for the rest of the evening.

I have been used a lot in my lifetime thus far, as I'm sure several others have as well. I'm not considering myself on a higher plateau or anything, merely complaining because it really frustrates me. I was often used in high school to fork over lunch money to a 'friend' who spent her lunch money on drugs. Still at the time I'd rather have seen her not go hungry than myself.

An ex-friend of mine has used me most of the time she's known me, so for about 10 years now. There were very few situations she dragged me into in which I was not being used either for support for her extreme neediness or for something else just as stupid. When she didn't want to go to a situation by herself, such as over to a boy's house, she demanded I go along so she wouldn't feel awkward. As soon as she was able to hook up with that person, I was immediately forgotten. Sometimes I would just walk myself home while they were in the other room.

Yes, I do believe the word hate applies fairly well here. I genuinely hate being used. Even more so when I don't realize I'm being used until after the fact and then feel like even more crap for letting it happen.

2. I HATE being stood up by 'friends'.

This, by far, is the worst thing people can do to me. I am very capable of understanding that people have obligations and interests outside of hanging out with me. I am not stupid. However what I am not capable of understanding is why 99.9% of the time a friend of mine agrees to hang out with me or go do something they end up ditching me, forgetting, or calling me up mere minutes before they are supposed to arrive telling me something came up. I can understand situational things that occur every once in a while, but this happens nearly every time I make plans with people. This, my friends, is why I do not call you and ask you to do anything with me anymore. It's not that I'm antisocial, it's that I can't take that feeling of rejection that will inevitably occur after I invite you somewhere and you agree but then change your mind at the last minute.

This is also why I so frequently complain that nobody ever invites me to do anything, because I readily agree to hang out in almost any situation with the exception of bars and parties involving alcohol. I am always very punctual and do not ditch you unless it's an emergency. Maybe that's not enough. Maybe I'm just not that fun of a person to hang out with, which must likely be the case seeing as nobody ever seems to want to hang out.

I could go more into this, but it would be inappropriate for me to start naming a specific person that has easy access to this post. I do not want to patronize or publicly humiliate them. But I can say that recently somebody has put me in this situation and it really hurt me to be forgotten on an important night in which several if not all of our mutual friends were invited to a gathering with the exception of Aaron and myself.

I wish that people would care about me as much as I care about most of them, but this must be asking too much.
I wish that I wasn't always the last person people think of to invite places or to tell things to.
I wish I had friends that were stable, and that would be there for me when I want to talk like I am there for them.
I wish I had somebody to talk to that wasn't either family, an ex-boyfriend or an almost boyfriend, or a person I used to have a crush on back at BTC.
I wish I didn't feel so alienated in a group of females. I do not relate to females much. I have a difficult time understanding them and getting along with them. And unfortunately, the males I talk to either don't understand situations I am going through or have no interest in situations I am going through.

These continue to be my wishes. These things are unlikely and will most likely all be forgotten along with this post. People may say I have a depressing view of things, but I find it hard to believe that if people were in this same situation that they wouldn't feel the same.

I have convinced myself I will have a much happier birthday this year by not inviting any of my friends. I will invite my family to join me for dinner and a wonderfully delicious rubik's cube shaped cake which I will be baking myself.

That is all.