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March 2009



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Mar. 15th, 2009


(no subject)

Hate is a strong word so I usually try to use it with caution, but I have realized there are a few things I genuinely HATE.

1. I HATE being used.

When I first woke up today, I wandered into the computer room hoping for a 'good morning' or a kiss. Instead it was more of a quick 'hello, can I borrow the phone?' which was followed by 'I need to go pick up Resident Evil 5. Want to come?' And of course he knows I don't actually have any rhyme or reason to go other than to drive him because it's raining and cold and his bike doesn't particularly fare well in that weather. The other thing he knows is that I will always say yes to a request of that sort because for one I understand what a pain it is driving in that weather on a moped, and for two I love him and tend to do just about anything he asks. I just wish it wasn't so blatantly obvious today that my sole purpose for being awake was seemingly to do him a favor after which he ignored me for the rest of the evening.

I have been used a lot in my lifetime thus far, as I'm sure several others have as well. I'm not considering myself on a higher plateau or anything, merely complaining because it really frustrates me. I was often used in high school to fork over lunch money to a 'friend' who spent her lunch money on drugs. Still at the time I'd rather have seen her not go hungry than myself.

An ex-friend of mine has used me most of the time she's known me, so for about 10 years now. There were very few situations she dragged me into in which I was not being used either for support for her extreme neediness or for something else just as stupid. When she didn't want to go to a situation by herself, such as over to a boy's house, she demanded I go along so she wouldn't feel awkward. As soon as she was able to hook up with that person, I was immediately forgotten. Sometimes I would just walk myself home while they were in the other room.

Yes, I do believe the word hate applies fairly well here. I genuinely hate being used. Even more so when I don't realize I'm being used until after the fact and then feel like even more crap for letting it happen.

2. I HATE being stood up by 'friends'.

This, by far, is the worst thing people can do to me. I am very capable of understanding that people have obligations and interests outside of hanging out with me. I am not stupid. However what I am not capable of understanding is why 99.9% of the time a friend of mine agrees to hang out with me or go do something they end up ditching me, forgetting, or calling me up mere minutes before they are supposed to arrive telling me something came up. I can understand situational things that occur every once in a while, but this happens nearly every time I make plans with people. This, my friends, is why I do not call you and ask you to do anything with me anymore. It's not that I'm antisocial, it's that I can't take that feeling of rejection that will inevitably occur after I invite you somewhere and you agree but then change your mind at the last minute.

This is also why I so frequently complain that nobody ever invites me to do anything, because I readily agree to hang out in almost any situation with the exception of bars and parties involving alcohol. I am always very punctual and do not ditch you unless it's an emergency. Maybe that's not enough. Maybe I'm just not that fun of a person to hang out with, which must likely be the case seeing as nobody ever seems to want to hang out.

I could go more into this, but it would be inappropriate for me to start naming a specific person that has easy access to this post. I do not want to patronize or publicly humiliate them. But I can say that recently somebody has put me in this situation and it really hurt me to be forgotten on an important night in which several if not all of our mutual friends were invited to a gathering with the exception of Aaron and myself.

I wish that people would care about me as much as I care about most of them, but this must be asking too much.
I wish that I wasn't always the last person people think of to invite places or to tell things to.
I wish I had friends that were stable, and that would be there for me when I want to talk like I am there for them.
I wish I had somebody to talk to that wasn't either family, an ex-boyfriend or an almost boyfriend, or a person I used to have a crush on back at BTC.
I wish I didn't feel so alienated in a group of females. I do not relate to females much. I have a difficult time understanding them and getting along with them. And unfortunately, the males I talk to either don't understand situations I am going through or have no interest in situations I am going through.

These continue to be my wishes. These things are unlikely and will most likely all be forgotten along with this post. People may say I have a depressing view of things, but I find it hard to believe that if people were in this same situation that they wouldn't feel the same.

I have convinced myself I will have a much happier birthday this year by not inviting any of my friends. I will invite my family to join me for dinner and a wonderfully delicious rubik's cube shaped cake which I will be baking myself.

That is all.

Aug. 26th, 2008


Wanna be home again

I went to the mall today and picked up some of those interchangable charms for those 'italian charm bracelets'. Two of them are "Papa's Girl" and "I <3 My MOM". I love my family. I mean I always have. But at the same time it makes me sad because everytime I look at it I want to just go back to when I was living at home, where all I had to do to see my family was walk to their room, where my parents cooked my meals and we ate around a table, where I was safe and taken care of. Now everybody in my family lives in a different house, one in a different state. I rarely go home and eat with my mom's new family; She spends so much time with them like she's replaced my sister and I with his kids. Back then I felt so free, like I could do anything I wanted in life. I wanted to go to college. I graduated with a 3.97gpa in high school. I had a scholorship to Western. At the time I had left my parents house and had to work full time to pay for two people. Dropped out of WWU. Then I went to BTC which was great, but again financial issues and issues at home prevented me from continuing. I want more than anything to go back to school, but I feel so tied down not having money to do it. I feel like I could be so much better than I am.

I feel like such a child sometimes. I just want to go back to my life during sophomore year. That was the best time of my life.

Time Flies

I haven't updated this in over a year. In that time I have changed jobs, gotten divorced, gotten in another serious relationship (not with the guy mentioned in the previous post), gained more weight , moved three times, and yet my disliking myself and my being overweight is a constant in my life. I really, really wish it wasn't.

The only good thing is I finally learned how to put on makeup, so at least I have something pretty about me. le sigh

Jan. 6th, 2007


So confused!!

Dear god I don't think I've ever been this confused.

Okay, so a friend of mine (well, we dated for a little while a few years ago) came back into my life just recently. He had had to go away for a while but now we keep in close contact. The two of us broke up not because either of us wanted to but because he lived far away. I really liked him and it broke my heart when he had to go. Well he came to town to visit old friends yesterday and we met up for about an hour or so. And I couldn't even look him in the face for very long because every second I did made me want him so much. He's the most attractive guy I've ever met. And the nicest guy I've ever met. And had he not gone back home who knows where we would have ended up. But now I'm married and I love my husband very much. And I don't want to cheat on him or anything. It's just so hard to be sane right now when I'm so crazy about this other guy. What sucks even more is that I am not sure if this guy still likes me at all. Chances are he doesn't. In fact it's very high chances he doesn't. But I do still want to remain friends with this guy. But how on earth do I do that with the way I still feel about him? Ugh, I hate life. This is so stupid.

Sep. 19th, 2006



I really want a tattoo of a butterfly.

Not just because everybody else gets one of a butterfly, but because they have a very special meaning behind them.

Butterflies start out as caterpillars. And no matter what's happened to the caterpillar in the past, it can always choose to hide away in it's cocoon. And when it's ready, no matter how ugly the caterpillars once were, they emerge into these beautiful creatures that can fly away into the sky and forget about everything they once knew. They are free. However they are still incredibly delicate creatures. If their wings are touched even once, they may never be able to fly again. They are delicate, and remain so their entire lives.

Butterflies hold special meaning to me, and I very much am trying to find a good tattoo. A really beautiful, perfect one. One that looks like my description of a butterfly, beautiful, free, and delicate. Graceful. Calm.

Sep. 11th, 2006


Weigh in

I am not going to weigh myself for 1 week. That will mean I can check it the day before school starts so hopefully by then I'll be under 200. That's my goal. I think I may screw with my diet or do an every other day fast or something until then... if my stupid body and it's blackouts don't get in the way.


there's my plan.

Tomorrow I fast. Then every other day I'll fast. Water only, with 1 diet soda allowed. On my eating days I keep it under 500 calories. Still keep up with my 100 crunches a day. If I start to feel dizzy, just stand there for a minute like I always do, then breath in deep and relax. And it should go away. I have 4 pounds to lose. I MUST lose them by then. We'll see...

*crosses fingers for strength*

I need all the support I can get right now. I haven't fasted for over a year.


All I have to say is that the next time my family sees me they won't recognize me. The past two times they've seen me I've been monstrous. The next possible time I fathom seeing them again *they live far away* is maybe when my great grandpa dies. That could be any time, but either way I look different. And if he hangs on *which I hope he does* for a while, I'll be even skinnier the next time they see me.


The last time they saw me was at my wedding in January. I was a huge fat cow. Dress size 16!!! WTF!!! No more. I'm not giving up. I never want to look like I did on my wedding day. I want to be thin! Thank god I've been losing weight!

And thank god I can do what I want and that I have control over this all. Lucky me.

Sep. 10th, 2006


Still Losing. Go me!

After I broke my plateau it looks like I'm still losing weight. I'm now at 204. Yay!! That's 18 pounds that I've lost in just a few weeks. 18 pounds!!!
cw: 204
hw: 222
lw: 129
1st gw: 180
2nd gw: 150
3rd gw: 135
4th gw: 120

Sep. 9th, 2006



I feel so alone right now. And not even the people in my communties can help me. I'm just different from them and it is depressing.

The weekends on this diet suck because I have to spread my few portions of food throughout my 19 hour day. Sigh.

So hungry. All I've had so far is a string cheese. I am still allowed a tv dinner, a jello, and a ritz mini's pack. But I can't eat again for another 3 hours at lesat.


Sep. 8th, 2006


(no subject)

I have my next 15 days worth of food planned out. They're all under 500 calories.

I went to the store today, and everytime I walked down a food aisle I got so... cibophobic. I kept running to the end of the aisle when I saw the food staring at me and calling me... I know. I'm so crazy. But I get so afraid of looking at the yummy pictures on the boxes that I'm worried I may cave and buy something I shouldn't. I can't get fat. I can't! I won't let myself.

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